My inner ear itches. Bronchitis is the worrrrst. I've discovered being sick is the most boring thing ever. There's nothing to do but watch movies and read, and that just puts me to sleep.

However, I watched The Secret Life of Bees yesterday. SO SO SO good. I'm going to read the book. I have a long reading list for myself this summer already. I should finish Huck Finn for english so I can get started.
-White Oleander
-Breaking Dawn
-Prep
-The Secret Life of Bees
-Revolutionary Road
-The Reader
-P.S. I Love You (I guess I'm really into books made into movies?)
-and I'd really like to fit in a Sarah Dessen novel or two, and whatever book WSU assigns us for the Freshman Common Reading this summer.

Too bad summer will be so short, considering I leave for school August 16 :(

I had a dream last night that it was prom and we were riding trains to get there because it was in Bordeaux, France. Preston Albertine was my date. About halfway through I realized I had no prom dress so I bought a costume dress on one of the trains. I saw Kristine later and she had to pretend to like it. Also, for some reason Preston was about 3 feet taller than normal, and of course because he was taller he was proportionally wider, and there was no room for me on the seat. Savannah's hair was huge, too.

There was another part where my "mom" (she kept changing) and I were in this house with this old lady and trying to collect these "clues" to prove she was bad or something. For some reason it reminded me of Miss Havisham from Great Expectations, only I never saw the old lady and the house was completely lit. I think it was just the creepy aspect of it.

Kind of a crazy dream last night, I guess. I don't remember all the details but here it goes anyway.

It was the day of graduation so my friends and I are frantically rushing to get there so we can pick up our robes. For some reason graduation was in Mr. Parker's backyard and he also had this Old West-style building (where all the shops are just kind of connected with a big porch all the way down) where we could get souvenirs and our robes and food. So Katie and I are the only two without our robes so we tell the rest of the group we'll meet them there. So we go into the shop where we've been told our robes are and the guy hasn't even made them yet! So he grabs this big hollow egg-shaped piece of wood and cuts off the bottom and cuts it down the middle so it opens like a cape and paints it and gives it to me, then makes Katie's. Of course we're freaking out because grad gowns should not be wood. So we go outside and Tim Clark is out there with a wood one and he's like, "just go two doors down, they've got real ones." So we go there, but its the bathroom door and Johnny Mandella comes running up and tells me to meet him inside. So I run in and I assume Johnny is in the last stall, so I go in there but he's invisible. And there's two doors on the stall so some guy opens the other door right in front of the toilet so that I can't see him and pees and I'm like "Sorry Johnny!" Then the guy informs me that Johnny is not invisible or present and I feel stupid and start to leave. Sarah Nilsen is at the mirror and I ask if she's seen Johnny, she says no, and I go into a stream of "What the fuck, goddamn motherfucker..." and leave. I go outside and its POURING rain and I remember thinking "But its June, so it should be sunny" and I tried to will it to be sunny (Me, not the dream-me) but it didn't work. So much for lucid dreaming. Oh well. So I start freaking out because apparently we're supposed to be up on stage and I didn't know how I'd get into place without being noticed, and then my parents arrive late and I got pissed.
Then it switches and I'm getting dropped off at my dorm my my mom with a couple boxes and I meet my roommate who is an upper-classman and a total bitch. And her friend is over and it was really awkward. Then I realize I had forgotten almost all my stuff. I had only brought one box of clothes and it was all over-sized tee shirts and sweats plus a box of magazines. No books, no cosmetics, no regular clothes. And I flipped out and cried and called my mom and complained about everything. Then I get over it and go to the bathroom (which was co-ed? Confusing, because I was living in a single-gender dorm) and Brent Generous is in there and I look at him and go "Do you ever get the feeling like 'What the hell am I even doing here?'" And he agrees and we have this long conversation about college even though we've been there for like 3 hours. And he's going to Western I think.

Anyway, it was not a happy dream. It was really stressful and makes me worried for college/graduation. :(

Today Kristen and I decided to make a list of all the guys who have ever liked us. On the surface it sounds a little self-absorbed but there's a reason to our madness. This weird kid at work is planning on asking me to prom tonight (I'm not friends with him, we rarely talk, I'm saying no) and Kristen and I were talking about how weird guys always like me. So I chose to make an all-inclusive list. I didn't think it would be so long! Good lord. There are 28 guys on the list (the list dates back to 5th grade).
So in the past 8 years, 28 guys have liked me. There were 28 opportunities for dating, a serious relationship, a first kiss, slapping a guy across the face (that is one of my goals, to slap a guy across the face), etc. And I dated two of them, neither for more than a week.
Does this make me picky? I'm trying to understand what's going on. Now, granted, some of these guys are/were real weirdos. A few of them turned out to be HUGE jerks. But not all of them. I do this a lot where I sit around and asking "why?" about things that have come and gone. But I generally push it aside coming to the (unreasonable) conclusion of, I suck. But that's not right. I'm going to think about this, and I'll let you know if I come up with anything.

While going through my MySpace inbox (which dates all the way back to sophomore year because I NEVER delete messages) I came upon one (of many) replies to one (of MANY) bulletins I posted. For those who don't recall, I was a bulletin whore for a while. I broke that habit. Anyway, I found this one and it made me think about all the small memories that we just forget about and also, how I'll probably miss high school more than I think.

best weekend everrrrr.
easy track practice.
chilling on the turf afterwards with some of my favorite people.
hiding savannah while she changes in david's car.
then going to the empty locker room with van and kristen and walking around in our bras.
walking with our shitload of stuff up to the hub.
and being the first ones there.
and laughing hysterically at everything.
all of us eating an entire panther burger (which i honestly didn't think was that big).
and that nice waitress who kept saying "very good."
"BEASTLY."
and walking to blockbuster and laughing at all the stupid movie titles.
then getting my entire box of notes just to find the funny one from justin that wasn't even in there.
and reading the ones kristen had.
and laughing about what a stupid he was.
laying on savannah's bed for an hour laughing hysterically.
seriously i haven't laughed so long in forever.
"BEASTLY."
FINALLY getting that hideous color off my nails while chilling in the giant bathtub in van's basement.
eating ice cream and making fun of sharpay while watching high school musical.
and DROOLING over the hotness of zac efron and corbin bleu.
OH BABY.
then kristen falling asleep with her feet by my head and me avoiding her kicking me.
then talking about cute boys with savannah with the lights off and accidentally kicking her in the face.
"BEASTLY."
then waking up when its was STILL DARK out to go to lords hill.
and them taking the blankets away from me.
and the lights blinding me.
and eating cereal.
and running at lords hill singing songs with more of my favorite people.
and then having to clean.
which really wasn't that fun but oh well.
"BEASTLY."
and waiting forever for kristen's mom to come.
then taking off pretty much everything we were wearing because we couldn't get the car muddy.
then FINALLY going to the bathroom when i got to savannah's.
then going home and EATING.
and then accidentally taking a 3-hour nap instead of writing my paper.
and tonight i'm going to kristine's to watch movies and eat ice cream and it'll be GREAT.

i feel SPECTACULAR.

I also found a conversation with Kyle Strumbeta about the fake profile Taylor made. She made this fake profile of this "hot guy" and left comments for herself and some of her friends on it. It was weird, but so funny when everyone found out it was fake.

Also, apparently Savannah, Kristen and I were supposed to sleep at Cathcart and go running in the middle of the night. I forgot about that.

Savannah, you reminded me of how bad I want to go shopping. (Not that I'm blaming you for anything.)
It makes me so sad that I can't spend my money on clothes without feeling guilty. I reeeally need to save up for college. BUT I finally broke the $2,000 mark in my savings account today for the first time since Europe :)
Still, I can't use any of that money or my parents would flip a bitch (I love that term and I don't know why because its really dumb.) I want sweaters. And jeans. And tee shirts that fit perfectly. And flowy tops. And a short sleeve jacket. AND FLATS OMG. And cute boots. And dresses.

I hate how materialistic I sound, but I just LOVE clothes.
Especially spring clothes. It truly is the best season, especially in terms of fashion.

For my birthday the only thing I am asking for is money for clothes. And possibly a new purse.


AHHHH EXACTLY TWO WEEKS UNTIL I TURN 18! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE:]

Totally got a boy's number tonight. A really cute boy. Who plays guitar and writes songs and is a Christian and really funny.

Yeeeee :]
I never get boy's numbers, but this just totally made my night. My week. Bah, it put me in such a great mood.

I have some crazy hick songs stuck in my head last night.

I posted a private post today, that I'll unlock at a later point.

However, I had this crazy dream last night that I thought was worth recording. I dreamed that I got home and it was nighttime and my parents weren't home. I saw my sister sitting at the kitchen counter, and she put her finger to her mouth to motion for me to be quiet and pointed over her shoulder. I looked over and where the kitchen area opens into the family room there was a large leather chair. Looking closer there was a woman sitting in the chair kind of sleeping and watching TV on mute. I looked back at my sister in shock for an explanation when she lifted her pant leg and pointed at her calf. There were giant shreds of skin missing, but she wasn't bleeding. Then she pointed at the china cabinet where I found a cheese grater with nasty leftover cheese on it all covered in plastic, but somehow I knew that she had grated my sister's leg. (SICK.) So I went into the fridge and checked the cheese but it wasn't opened. And then it hit me, and I yell out "Oh my gosh!" and the creepy lady wakes up and grabs the cheese grater and grates my leg but it doesn't hurt or bleed and then she eats my skin. (SICK.) And then she goes back to her chair. After that I somehow managed to call the cops and they took like half an hour to get to my house and she got taken away.

It was freaky and weird, but I wasn't scared.

Well, what I'm going to do will confuse some people, frustrate others, cause some to roll their eyes and hurt one person very very much. When I put it like that, it sounds like I probably shouldn't do it, but however other people see it, it is what is best for me. And so it must be done.

"Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through"

I officially have a boyfriend.

Its a little weird actually. I don't know. I'll post in a few days when I have more to say in the matter. I think I'm just in shock right now. It happened rather quickly.

Cell phones cell phones cell phones! I admit that I am sometimes guilty of one of my biggest pet peeves. And that is using your cell phone while someone is talking to you. Seriously? I'm trying to talk to someone and they've got their cell phone out texting someone else or on Facebook or whatever. There is no way someone can be properly listening to you if they're not paying full attention.
Also, Bluetooth headsets bother the hell out of me. People look like they're talking to themselves. And most of the time their conversations aren't even that important, its like an excuse not to socialize with the people around them.
Lastly, when shopping at a store, if an employee says hi to a person on their phone (especially at the register), don't glare at the employee! I cannot tell you how many times a customer on their cell phone has given me a dirty look when I say hi to them on an aisle. A smile would suffice but instead I feel as if I'm being accused of being rude. First, I'm required to say hi to you. Second, I'm putting the food you are buying on the shelf. Don't bite the hand that feeds you. And then these people have the nerve (after they've burned me with their eyes) to cover the mouth piece and ask me something. I can't tell you how much I want to slap these people in the face.

/bitterness.

I just discovered a new fear (well, not fear, but they just kind of freak me out beyond reason): Oompa Loompas.

Really. I just saw a picture of them and my heart jumped (in a bad way) and I started breathing funny and I got really panicky. It was bad.

I made the right choice, that I am sure about. While I don't know what is going on in the rest of my life, I know I picked the right school. I visited WSU this weekend, formally, and after seeing the academic presentation, touring the dorms and seeing the rest of what the campus and area have to offer, I am so ready to go there. I know I will fit right in and get so much out of my next four years.
Fun fact: They have heated sidewalks so that they don't get icy. Nice!

I would just like to preface by saying that, yes, I understand that my life really isn't that bad. However, there are some times when I just have to vent, because things can just get to be too much.

Tonight I do the dishes as usual. At the end of dishes I clean the stovetop as well as I can given that we don't have a scrubber for it anymore. I'm feeding the cat when in walks dad telling me to clean the stove. I tell him I already did and he starts complaining that its not clean and that I need to clean it. Side note: I had wiped it down 3 or 4 times already. Anyway we get into an argument, we both yell, I cry, he storms off (all over a stove). I'm really mad, mom and I talk, no conclusion is come to because, once again, my dad and I are too much alike to get along well. Now, it doesn't help that when he asks me to do things, its more of a demand. Less "May you please..." and more "You need to..." and "Could you please..." Its hard to respond nicely impoliteness.
The main reason, I think, that I got so mad is that I was just under a LOT of pressure and stress at school today because of the Arrowhead and math. I spent hours on the paper today (3rd period, all of lunch, and after school until 4:00ish) and still haven't finished it all the way. We go to print Wednesday evening/Thursday. I'm kind of freaking out because I am responsible for the layout of three pages. And as for calculus... well, that's just hard. While I understand that taking out my stress on my dad was not right, I would like to point out that he does that all the time to me. He gets stressed at work, has a really bad day, we start talking and he gets mad at me for no reason and then begins the "Well, I had a really bad day today and I'd just appreciate it if you didn't..."
The one thing he doesn't do, though, is apologize. Ever. I think he's said sorry to me only once or twice in my life. He just doesn't say sorry. And because I'm so much like him, its really really difficult for me to admit when I'm wrong and he knows that. So I go to his office after I've calmed down a bit and say, "Hey dad I'm really sorry I reacted the way I did, I understand that it was out of line and I apologize for that. [He thanks me for apologizing] Blah blah, I just want to explain myself a little, I had a really rough day, I'm under a lot of pressure blah blah blah. I know that's not a good excuse--" And then I get cut off by his "Its not an excuse at all" remark. Ok... I'm trying to apologize, I've already said that I know its not a good excuse and yet he still has to point out that I'm in some way "wrong". So I apologize again but all he says is "Yeah, you shouldn't have taken out your stress on me." Really? Isn't that what I was just saying? Can't I just apologize, have you accept it and move on? Good lord. So I just left it with, "Ok, all I was trying to do is apologize, that's all I have to say."

I could have gotten over the argument. We have those kinds of arguments all the time, big deal. Its the fact that I came and apologized to him on my own and he couldn't even gracefully and simply accept it. It just makes me not want to apologize the next time because he gives the impression that he doesn't really fully appreciate or accept it.  tonight, I'm very much looking forward to moving out in August.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Today is Valentine's day. Another year, another romance-less February 14, but that's alright. At this point Valentine's day doesn't phase me at all. I remember last year perfectly. I remember getting to school on a Panther Period day (side note: did we have a leap year?) and walking to Mr. Perry's classroom when I got a call from Anna alllll excited because Geoff had told her that I was his Valentine. I could have died and gone to heaven right there. Just a little Stacy V-day History: All through elementary and middle school I would spend it wishing my big crush would give me a valentine or tell me he liked me. He never did. 9th and 10th grade was about the same, but a little more maturely. Nothing ever happened. So after that I vowed to never get my hopes up on Valentine's ever again. That phone call from Anna totally broke my vow. I spent the whole day waiting for something to happen. And it never did. Maybe I was being stupid, but I went home and cried. Later, talking to Anna about it, she said that he was planning on doing something for me another time, but very very soon. I waited. Nothing ever happened. A few weeks later, the day he was going to ask me out, he found out he was moving. End of story. V-day is a rather bitter holiday for me. This year, its just another day.

On a completely different note, I had a dream last night that, among other things I can't recall, some lady was at my front door and through the glass it looked like Dr. Porter so I went to answer it. For some reason I was wearing a mall cop outfit, complete with the hat (probably because I was at the mall yesterday, and it amazed me at the awful things they make these men wear). Anyway, I answer the door and it is NOT Dr. Porter, its two random women and she asks if I want to go to their halloween that night. I'm a little freaked out and say no and close the door and go sit back down at the dining room table (where I was doing arts & crafts, haha). But then I look up and, even though the door was locked, she had walked right into my house. Then I remember I have these papers with these numbers and like, if I knew the numbers on the paper then an intruder couldn't take me or something. But the lady is just in my house and stuff so I call 911 and start screaming but no one else is home and I woke up very very afraid. I hate those dreams. One of my biggest fears is people breaking into my house.

So I think I'll do some homework, read Eclipse, look at prom dresses (just for fun), and get ready. Tonight I'm helping out with a dinner/dance thing at her church for the old couples (awww) and then going to the Rivers Edge for open mic with Ray and some others. It should be a good day. Oh, and apparently Mike Schwartz and I are running away to Europe together. Works for me.

It seems every time I read about Savannah's dreams, I have really vivid and weird dreams myself. Plus, I read hers right before I went to bed.

The Dream:
We were in Switzerland at the "Mountain Hostel" but it was way bigger and way nicer and at the top of the Schilthorn, instead of 6,000 feet down. It was a bunch of people from school there, so very reminiscent of Europe. We were going to some sort of dance or something, so we were all dressed up and looking for our dates. I think mine was Ray or Kevin Chittenden, which is really random. Savannah and I still hadn't found our dates, so we just went into the gym where the dance was, and on the stage Brent and Jordon were both up there singing and Savannah and I kept talking about what wonderful singers they were. And in the dream, they were really really good. Then Savannah and I are in running clothes and we start running laps around the gym, still talking about Brent and Jordon. Then we look at each other and yell, "Gossip!" and run into the girls' room. When we get in there Cynthia, Katie and, strangely, Lindsey Thomas (the blonde one) are all waiting for us and Savannah and I are talking about Europe and how we'd all crowd on one bed to gossip. Only Lindsey insists we have to do it under the bed. So as they're all rolling themselves under this bunk bed (I'm not sure how we all fit), I look out the window and see these HUGE snowflakes falling and Jason and Scott Hippe come in the window carrying a bunch of these giant snowflakes. I got really jealous and I never did go under the bed. Then I start freaking out because I have to find Ray, but someone tells me he'd already left for the next cabin. So I'm walking down this snowy/icy path when I run into Greg Isle and Kelsey Shrauner (the most random people pop up in my dreams) and I start sliding down the trail until it starts going uphill again. Then Greg gives me a Valentine's card (even though in my dream he's still dating Kelsey) and then a big bag of french fries (which led to something REALLY REALLY gross later in the dream which I will not tell you about because it was so twisted.) So I finally get to the other cabin where Ray is supposed to be and I see Missy who greets me with a high-five-turned-avalanche (when you go to high-five someone and then duck their hand and yell Avalanche! This is because she and I were making up a bunch of different random ones yesterday, like porcupine.) Anyway, I end up finding Ray but then the dream switches. [Insert really really twisted gross part here.] And then I go outside and its this yard and I realize I'm living in a really really nice house and I find a camera and take a bunch of pictures, but then the gross part comes back again and then I woke up completely grossed out.


I generally don't remember this much about my dreams, haha.

It seems that everyone is posting today/yesterday, so why not jump on the band-wagon myself?

I'm feeling very inspired lately. I spend much of my time thinking about the future, looking at photographs, studying fashion magazines and listening to new music. The downside to all of this is that it makes me wish I had more money to spend on clothes and more time for everything else. Sigh.

I'm finally cracking down on my FBLA studying. However, I have exactly a week and a half until the Regional Conference (Feb 11) and that is not nearly enough time to learn everything. I will be spending every spare minute of my time studying because I really want to go to the State Conference. Is it strange that I find reading my Marketing textbook enjoyable? And that I'm looking forward to my Business Calculations studying? I guess I should take that as a good thing.

For those who don't know, I have decided on Washington State University. I sent in my tuition deposit, and now I must wait for my housing application. Still no excitement, but I'm sure it will come when I re-visit on the 28th. Mr. Zabel was beyond excited when I told him. So excited, in fact, that he gave me a high five and a big hug to welcome me to "the family". If that is any reflection of the school's atmosphere, then I think I chose well.

Once again, I am second-guessing track. I'd love to be able to do it, but I don't know if its the most reasonable thing for me to do right now.
Pros: I love running, I love the team, I love the sweats (materialistic, much?)
Cons: Work (it will be very difficult to make money, or even get hours working weekends only, especially with church and Saturday morning practice), I have a lot on my plate (school, Arrowhead, FBLA, work, a social life/time to breathe), I have not been keeping in shape, therefore it would not be a good season for me.
Kristen is re-considering as well, even though for the past two months she has been the one keeping me convinced that I'll regret not doing it. 'Tis a conundrum, or so my mom would say.

And, to end things on a lighter note, I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Jacob Black. He is so hot (no pun intended).

College, college, college.

Its all I think about and I'm really stressed out. Gahhh. One minute I'm set on one school and then the next, my mind is completely flipped around. For a while it was WSU vs. U of Idaho. Now, its WSU vs. UW. But, I haven't been accepted to UW yet (in fact they just finally changed my application status to: We have received everything blah blah blah, we will contact you by mail when the decision has been made. I WANT TO KNOW.) It will be easy if UW rejects me. I'll go to WSU where they've already given me a $5,000 scholarship and have all the academics I want, a gorgeous campus and an award-winning rec center. The one thing it lacks is a town. Pullman is the equivalent of nothing. Pullman Does Not Exist. It could be the answer to a calc problem: The town of Pullman DNE/Does Not Exist. I'm such a nerd. UW has Seattle (!!!) and a gorgeous campus and really good academics, but it doesn't have one of the majors I'm seriously considering (Fashion Merchandising) or any related classes.

There is so much to consider. But at this point, I think I'm going to end up at WSU next year. Which wouldn't be half bad. Moscow is a 10 minute (free) bus ride away, and Spokane is only an hour or so. I think I'd like it.

I just wish the college excitement would come back.

This month's Do's:
-Do wear heels once a week. Its sexy time.
-Do work out twice a week. (More is okay though ;] )

That is all for that. Small changes are key, especially for me.
To start the year I am reading Glamour magazine cover-to-cover (something about it just gives me uber-confidence) and purging my room/school bag. Its about time. I have way too much stuff. Simplicity is bliss.

Never really said too much
Afraid it wouldn't be enough
Just try to keep my spirits up
When there's no point in grieving
Doesn't matter anyway
Words could never make me stay
Words will never take my place
When you know I'm leaving

Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A naked light, a fire to keep me warm
Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it's late at night you can look inside
You won't feel so alone

You know we've been down that road
What seems a thousand times before
My back to a closing door and my eyes to the seasons
That roll out underneath my heels
And you don't know how bad it feels
To leave the only one that I have ever believed in

Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A naked light, a fire to keep me warm
Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it's late at night you can look inside
You won't feel so alone

Sometimes it feels like we've run out of luck
When the signal keeps on breaking up
When the wires cross in my brain
You'll start my heart again
When I come along


I feel over-dramatic. But its late at night and this is how I get. I finally understand this song though. Listening to music and reading through quotes that I've heard a million times before, but suddenly they all have a new meaning.

I need to move on.

"I never meant for it to mean that much."